Psalm 51

Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
 Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

PSALM 51:1-17

 

I just realized that I am in a funk.

Call it a little depressed, a little lonely, a little out of sync, a lot lazy, a lot of questioning my current trajectory.

I have three boys. One 3 and clingy. One 5 and just plain mean, most of the time. One 7 going on 14. And he's already so broooooooody. (Why such angst at seven years old?)

I'm married, teach preschool, attempt to exercise, pine to make art, run the household, feed everyone, pay the bills, do all the laundry, the dishes and wait on the cat hand and foot. Mildly busy. Not overscheduled. Just the day to day groundhog day.

After work and school, we walk in the door. Home. I should feel great. GREAT, right?

But, for a long while now, the 3 o'clock hour has haunted me. I basically have anxiety attacks. At 3 o'clock. I'm serious. Serious anxiety.

(and, yes, I'm already taking "something for that.")


Life for us in general has been pretty messy. And, it's nothing big, just stuff. I've not been my best. I'm a sub-par wife and mother these days. Too many days. Being dragged by the waves of normal, everyday life. I have not been using my manners. I have not been on my best behavior.

I sometimes like my husband. He's a good guy. Really he is. Really. He is. I mostly like my kids. They are funny, smart, creative and cute. But, they drive me insane. Cray cray. Nutso. Hearing the word, "Mom" makes me want to run and hide. I love my cat. But, she's crazy too. There is truly no earthly reason for me to be blue. No reason for despair. No real reason for the funk. I'm ridiculously blessed.

I love who I used to be. The different ages and stages. I loved where I lived. Where I was born and raised. I love how I used to look. My body, face and hair--from seasons and past time and . . . I love what I used to do: Girl Scout. Artist. Middle school art teacher. Pet sitter. Girlfriend. Friend. Sister. Volunteer. Intern. Visual merchandiser. The things I've done for money. The things I've done for experience and knowledge. The things I've done where I took awesome risks. The things I regret.

And that's it: it's me. I cannot place the blame with a person or thing.

I AM WHAT IS WRONG.

(ever felt that way?)

 

Here's the deal: I have strayed. Since I've known God, I've gotten real complacent in my life with Him. I didn't mean to. Totally didn't intend to. Never thought I would.

I think it seems a lot farther to me than it does God. In church yesterday, I truly saw how huge the gap for me was. So, therefore, I go back to Psalm 51. I'm looking at what's wrong and putting a name to it. I'm intentionally going to make different choices, take a different path. I have to. Or, the 3 o'clock hour will just get darker. Uglier.

Lord, I really don't like where I'm headed.

I'm returning to your promises.

All I really want to do is please you. My husband. My children. My family and friends. I just want to be the ME you have always desired. And, I'm realizing that I'm not me lately. You know what is wrong with me. I give it all to you--because YOU know what to do with it all. Help me. Please help me, Lord.

Please forgive me. I don't know who I really am anymore. Complete mistake. But, I know that you know. And that's alright. I know you know how to get me pointed back in the right direction.

It takes just a sip and a prayer.

 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.  Proverbs 3:5-6