hurt.

I had an epiphany over Easter weekend:

I realized that I got hurt.

Like, deeply. Walking wounded. Stabbed to death--with gaping gashes that never healed. It's been nine months . . . and, I really had no idea.

I mean yes, it was painful from time to time, but I didn't realize I was crippled. You know how the world tells you to just stop crying, stop feeling sorry for yourself and slap a Band Aid on it, suck it up and move on . . . . 

Yeah, that truthfully sucks and it doesn't work. (That's the WORST thing to tell anyone, just FYI)

I spun the tale of how I got fired back in July--but really, I was crushed (And I'm tired of being "politically correct" about it, just FYI)

 

Here's the deal:

I was completely blindsided.

My boss let me "go." (I was totally fired, wrongly and even slandered behind my back-- just FYI)

And, the school board, the vestry and the Pastor said. "Ok." ('Sure, why not? Sounds good.")

So, the whole church dumped me, like a dirty shirt. Cast off. Adieu.

My former co-workers were even warned not to speak to me. (Can you believe that?)

In the blink of an eye: no more job, no more church, no more close relationships with people I adored.

Ouch.

And everyone just kept on living. Smiling, like nothing happened.

 

It's no wonder people leave the church.

It's no wonder people cry out, "Why God!?" "How could you let this happen?" It's no wonder most people don't like "Christians." It's no wonder people turn away from God.

I even wrote a letter to the Bishop . . . "Thanks so much for your letter . . . "

 

I've been bleeding for long time. Those wounds have just been there, festering. It zaps your energy and your faith. That's why this blog has been silent since December.

On days, like today, when I'm alone--I know I should be doing big things for myself. But, all I really want to do is crawl back in bed. Mildly depressed would be correct.

 

So what? Now what?

Well, even though I don't feel much like it: I'M GOING TO KEEP TURNING MY FACE TO THE SUN.

(And yes, that's also Son, just FYI)

I've never felt so far from God since I met him back in 1997. 

It's weird to feel so abandoned, yet know He's right here at the same time. (That's called faith, just FYI)

 

So, back to that epiphany:

My friend and business partner said, so wisely, "You weren't fired, so remove that word from your vocabulary. I believe you were REMOVED BY THE HAND OF GOD from that place because he had bigger things for you."

Well, when you put it like that . . . .

I couldn't imagine still being at my old job. I would be miserable. 

Although I felt dumped, God was throwing me a life preserver. He was saving my life.

 

Pain and suffering always has a purpose--even though most would argue with that. 

I mean, look at God--Jesus on that cross. He died. He was tortured. He was despised and spit on.

Hurting? Ok. 

Wounded? Alright.

Weep, wail. Cry out. Take all the time you need.

Now It's time to heal. (Just FYI)

So, pray for me, would you?

 

"From noon until three in the afternoon darkness came over all the land. 

About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, 

“Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” 

(which means “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”)  Matthew 27:45-46

 

Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and he began to teach them. He said:

 “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
 Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
 Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
 Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
 Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
 Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
 Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad,because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."  Mathew 5:1-12